Humor in the Court

A friend of mine who I’ll call Nick (because that’s his real name) will send me some very funny emails from time to time and most of them are not ones I can share with you.

However a recent one is something I can share and I just felt today required something light and funny.

Following is a collection of things people said in court, word for word as recorded by court reporters and from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts.”  Sure enough I did some research and while the book is more than 20 years old these are word-for-word quotes on things said in actually courts by actual lawyers, witnesses and others.

Attorney-    What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness-      He said, “Where am I, Cathy?
Attorney-    And why did that upset you?
Witness-      My name is Susan.

Attorney-    What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness-      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney-    What is your date of birth?
Witness-      July 18^th.
Attorney-    What year?
Witness-      Every year.

Attorney-    How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness-      38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Attorney-    How long has he lived with you?
Witness-      45 years.

Attorney-    The youngest son, the 20-year old.  How old is he?
Witness-      He’s 20, much like your IQ.

Attorney-    How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness-      By death.
Attorney-    And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness-     Take a guess.

Attorney-    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness-      All of them.  The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney-    Now doctor, isn’t it true then when a person dies in his sleep he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness-      Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney-    Can you describe the individual?
Witness-      He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney-    Was this a male or female?
Witness-      Unless the circus was in town I’m going with male.

And finally for now my favorite:

Attorney-    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy did you check for a pulse?
Witness-      No.
Attorney-    Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness-      No.
Attorney-    Did you check for breathing?
Witness-      No.
Attorney-    So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness-      No.
Attorney-    How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness-      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney-    I see, but could the patient has still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness-      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.