Humor in the Court
A friend of mine who I’ll call Nick (because that’s his real name) will send me some very funny emails from time to time and most of them are not ones I can share with you.
However a recent one is something I can share and I just felt today required something light and funny.
Following is a collection of things people said in court, word for word as recorded by court reporters and from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts.” Sure enough I did some research and while the book is more than 20 years old these are word-for-word quotes on things said in actually courts by actual lawyers, witnesses and others.
Attorney- What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness- He said, “Where am I, Cathy?
Attorney- And why did that upset you?
Witness- My name is Susan.
Attorney- What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness- Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney- What is your date of birth?
Witness- July 18th.
Attorney- What year?
Witness- Every year.
Attorney- How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness- 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Attorney- How long has he lived with you?
Witness- 45 years.
Attorney- The youngest son, the 20-year old. How old is he?
Witness- He’s 20, much like your IQ.
Attorney- How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness- By death.
Attorney- And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness- Take a guess.
Attorney- Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness- All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney- Now doctor, isn’t it true then when a person dies in his sleep he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness- Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney- Can you describe the individual?
Witness- He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney- Was this a male or female?
Witness- Unless the circus was in town I’m going with male.
And finally for now my favorite:
Attorney- Doctor, before you performed the autopsy did you check for a pulse?
Attorney- Did you check for blood pressure?
Attorney- Did you check for breathing?
Attorney- So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Attorney- How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness- Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney- I see, but could the patient has still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness- Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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