How to deal with a monster-in-law, NJ experts offers advice

It's a popular time for weddings, and whether you're just beginning a new life together or have been in a long term commitment, dealing with a monster-in-law can put a strain on a relationship.

Sometimes the preference of the mother-in-law overrides what a significant other may want, and that's when problems can arise. Rutgers Sociology Professor Dr. Deborah Carr pointed out that couples starting a life together want to make their own choices.

"Everything from where to live, how to live, whether to have children, and they want to make those choices, maybe with advice from other people, but not with directives,"  said Carr.

Carr noted that often times it should be the daughter-in-law who sets the boundaries early on, but in a very kind way, to avoid setting trouble for the future. In some cases, if the mother-in-law is being unreasonable, Carr added, "It's the son's job to step up, because he has the long term relationship, he knows what the hot buttons are, he knows what the motivations are for why the mother-in-law is being invasive or just merely loving and caring. So, he has the greatest knowledge, so he can play a good role in at least advising his wife on how to deal with this touchy subject."

Sons siding with their mothers has been an issue the predates marriage, and Carr advised that this is something women in general should be cautious of when they're dating.

"If it seems like their preferences always come second to either their boyfriend's mom or dad or friends or siblings, that's kind of a wake-up call that maybe you're not his highest priority. It might also be a signifier that he is not fully an adult yet if he still needs his mom's approval and blessing for everything that he does and he's not willing to stand up for himself," Carr said.

Knowing the history behind the parent-child relationship is important, according to Carr.

"It could be a case  where it was like the mother and son had to pull together on their own if the dad left. Families have these histories somehow, but it's important to understand that history, but not let it dictate our choices," said Carr.

Carr pointed out that regardless of the circumstances, parents want what's best for their children, but sometimes they don't know what is best for their children.

"A son could be truly in love with a woman, but if a mom sees these traits in that girlfriend that she views as not so positive, she's going to be protective. So often times if a parent or parent-in-law seems to trounce on their child's partner, it doesn't come from a place of control or cruelty, it really is just trying to figure out what's best for their child and protecting them, but often that comes through in a not very effective manner," Carr explained.

Something to consider is that a woman chooses her spouse, not her in-laws. Carr noted that most in-law relationships are really good, and for many people, especially for those who have a strained relationship with their own parent, the in-law can be a second parent or a great source of love and support.

"If we do have these strained relationships, I think it's really important to tread lightly because when you marry someone you're entering into a relationship they've had with their parent for 20, 30, 40 years and they're not going to come in and change it overnight," said Carr.

Carr suggested making some polite requests in conveying why it is that something makes you uncomfortable, but never using an accusation and being empathetic to all parties involved.