We pick up this week's American Horror Story: Roanoke with Shelby still doing some whining after catching Matt getting all up in the woodland witch’s nooks and crannies.

After a lengthy screaming match, Shelby finally comes to believe that Matt has no recollection of being the G.U.Y. under Gaga.

American Horror Story Roanoke

Being the truly Zen woman she is, Shelby goes to take a shower, but — surprise, bitch: Piggy Man is waiting behind the curtain! Schizophrenic Porky Pig chases Matt and Shelby around the house, almost killing them until a mysterious man pops up to save the day, ridding Porky from the house with a swift yell of a good ol’ Croatoan spell.

This man is Elias, aka the dirty man who lived in the cellar from the second episode of this season.

Shelby and Matt (understandably) do not trust this dirty man who magically appeared in their house until he takes them down to the basement, where he shows them his life’s work. In all his nutty glory, Elias has taken notes on all the deaths that have occurred in the house over the past several decades. It turns out the house was completed back in 1792 by Edward Phillipe Mott (Season 4 connection!) and since then, all those who lived in the house at one point subsequently went missing.

We learn that these tenants went missing because of The Butcher and the other Roanoke inhabitants: The Piggy Man attacked some inhabitants, while The Butcher murdered the two nurse twins by pulling their arms out of their sockets like they were life-sized versions of Polly Pocket.

Elias' crazed research has deduced that these disappearances coincide with the anniversary of a specific lunar phase in October in which the moon goes from quarter to a full blood moon. During this six day period, the ghosts that haunt the house and the surrounding area become corporeal, giving The Butcher, Piggy Man and whoever else leeway to murder and do as they please.

While Matt and Shelby agree they must leave the house in as not become the next victims, they resolve not to leave without Flora. So Elias, Matt and Shelby head off into the woods to find her.

After a brief run-in with Gaga’s woodland witch, they finally find Flora playing with the ghosts who died in the house. Elias goes to save Flora, but is shot down by arrows, effectively killing him and leaving Matt and Shelby to return to the house, where that little medium Cricket is waiting.

It’s revealed that, after he left, Cricket went to search for The Butcher. But he was greeted by the Woodland Witch instead, who took him on a trip way back in time to the origin of the land this damn house is built on. These Roanoke ghosts have survived through a means of some dark devil and sacrificial magic.


Back in the 1500s, The Butcher and The Woodland Witch adapted a Thelma and Louise vibe to run the Roanoke colony, tying them to the land and ensuring their survival through constant sacrificial means. However, the colony grew uneasy with The Butcher and the Witch's disregard for human life and staged a mutiny, lead by The Butcher’s son.

The Butcher doesn't take this lying down, and ends up poisoning the entire colony of Roanoke, effectively tying all their souls to the land for all eternity like some giant never-ending ghost campout. The Butcher reigns supreme over all these colonists, and will only accept their souls as payment. The Woodland Witch in turns kills The Butcher, tying her to the land as well.

When Cricket and his horrible blonde bowl cut finish the story, Cricket heads back to his hotel to retrieve the means for a spell, to rid the house of The Butcher and her team of miscreants. But on his way there, he finds Flora running across the dirt road in utter disarray.

As Matt and Shelby wait for Cricket to return to save the day, they both fall asleep. Matt wakes first to hearing voices coming from outside, beckoning him to that cellar where they found Elias. There, the Woodland Witch — who apparently cannot contain her thirst for Matt — is there to continue their forest shag sesh.

Through some form of coitus magic, Matt sees into the witch’s soul, where we learn that she's a Druid descendent from Roman times, captured long ago. She escaped into the woods, which would explain why she's covered in centuries of dirt.

While The Witch and Matt are getting it on, The Butcher and the rest of the Roanokans set their sights on Shelby. They charge at her, bringing Flora to sacrifice, yelling that the land on which they walk needs new blood to consecrate it — but Flora is saved by a little ghost girl.

The Butcher has a plan B, of course, so from the back of the crowd comes Cricket, bloody and held hostage, being led to slaughter, quite literally. From the house, Shelby and Matt watch as The Butcher cuts open Cricket and in what might be the most gruesome death thus far, disemboweling him.

With one last look of murderous intent, The Butcher looks to Matt and Shelby, signifying that they'll be next, come hell or high water.

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